PLEATED DECADENCE DRESS

PLEATED DECADENCE DRESS

on fall break

imma sunday, so tomorrow is officailly thanksgiving break!!!
im happy~~~ and so much to do~~~ and i wanna go shopping~
im like becomming materialistic right  now. kinda in the process. yesterday i was sharing with my siblings of what i want: i want sensei's daughter's haircut, dye my hair, get circle lenses, have really awesome Asian clothes *0*
omg!!!! and workman boot shoes!!! from forever 21 and they are high heels so they are perfect!!!

i want alot more things but cant really think of it right now. like seriously i think about waht i want every so often and thinking i need to go shopping and crap. i feel bad because this is near thanksgiving and all im thinking about is waht i dont have and want. its like looking at the empty half of my bottle, or the hole in the donut. ><
i really want to change myself like start wearing makeup and be more confident!!! thats right, confident!!!!!

anyways, today we went to target cause they had jeans for like 10 $!!! and i bought other stuff like tang top and thermal and other stuff.... then went to church and during lunch time, i met few NGA pplz and they were sooooo frickin pretty! OMGAAAAA!!! especially the one from Sydney, she is like perfect! with hazel eyes, beautiful accent, short cute hair and tall and skinny. hell i almost died just talking to her ;D btw, no im not bi or gay. lol
after that we went ice skating and saw jenny there too!!! <333 she brought some gloves and hats and scarf! she is so nice and caring!!! it was fun, but my ankle hurt so bad and now i have a huge bruise on my butt that i can barely sit or stand or walk with. anyways yay :DDD

this week, there is this eye contact solution on sale for FREE! and i wanted to get it, but dad didnt let my buy circle lenses :( i wanted them so bad though...but i checked online if they were safe, and they werent. pplz like my friends that wear those awesome pigmented color contacts are actually taking quite a risk.

lets make some goals for this week shall we?
btw, really want to go to winter workshop and NGA but because of that stupid FFF problem, i dont feel confident :( maybe i should see a doctor? ;_____;; *sigh*

               majoong* on saturday. and i won!!! actual gambling.lol. got 5$ :D

                                 yay! skating with my besties <333

on the train

its been like 3 weeks already from the beginning of school. i cant really say that time had flew by, nor i would say it was really slow. alot of things happened since last time. and as u can see, i barely have any time to write this. i dont even know where to start :/
i am now currently busy on to finding colleges and universities. i want to go to UC Irvine, but after looking at my SAT scores from the rev. prep class (1410) my hope just went down like a slop. lol. ok, not even funny, i need to be serious. at the same time, i dont know what major i want to do, so it would be hella waste of money to go to a UC and living in a dorm like that. so i am also thinking of going to a community college to explore some classes. what does that sound? the bad thing is, chabot college sucks, it doesnt have any of the classes i want to take, like cullinary pastry, japanese, korean, and some other ones...
also i need to start doing finacial aid and scholarships, but the college app comes first since jenny told me that they due during spring time. blah.........

about my classes and the anxiety, its complicated. im not even sure if the med is working anymore, i want to double the dose and see. i completely too distracted to use any of the relaxing methods to calm myself down. but i guess im kinda more relaxed but i just need to train to not think about my surroundings, thats all.
daddy and me also tried meditation for few days and i really liked it. but since we didnt have time, we stopped :((( yea, art is really busy. i really hope i can catch up to things.

my hair grew like an inch more and its in a pretty ugly shape right now. i keep thinking of cutting my hair really short this time and dying it brown and getting few more piercings in the ear...lol. maybe later. but i really wanna cut my hair and i dont want my hair to grow so fast. and plus even though my hair is short, it sheds soooooo freakin much!!! like more than ever! i wonder why.... also, at school people keep telling me there's hair on my neck or shirt and stuff... so unattractive.lol. i wanna have a real chance on using GATSBY ~ <3

Lisa has changed so much...she is growing out her hair really long so she can curl perm it, and she got a new peircing on the very top of the ear. she hangs out w/ other asians from other school and party with them and go to stranger's houses. she wears a leather jacket and a stylish leather bag too. she told me she wants to get two tattoos when she goes back to china...and she talks more to zhia Yin than us now...since we dont have anything to talk about anymore. i dont even know her anymore. last year, she told me she is going to completely concentrate on school work, but now she is somewhat the opposite. i guess the changes are good for her. after all, she has more friends and stuff. im sad.....

school

man, this is the second day of school and already has so much work and pressure...especially AP art and the anxiety crap thing.
i now taking full dose of the medication and cant wait for the full effect of celexa.

first day was just...i dont know. looking back, i had a lot of mixed feelings but one of the most i can recognize is anxiety of course. for the whole controling my emotions and thoughts and anxiety for the first day, i didnt do so well :(
i was super exhausted after school, but i couldnt rest. i needed to do all the HW before the first class of SAT prep( 3 hr. class ><;) it was horrible, we didnt have the book or anything so we had to share with other pplz, and MOST of the pplz were covering their nose the whole time and the teacher( cute and enthusiastic) joked about how the room smelled, and it requires way more participation that i thought because the class is only less than 10 pplz... the good thing is, its actually quite helpful. so i need to do my best for SaT! and since dad payed 1000 bucks for both of us....it killed the wallet.
after the class. approx 9pm (i can experience the suffering of the asian students...cram school) i was super pooped and had a BIG headache. ><;; n i can bearly walk. i guess cause so many things went on just only one day and just right out from the summer break when a person is still not in the mood to do anything but sleep (lol. i dont make sense.)
anyways, end up i even watched 2 hrs of AMerica's got talent after that since i cannot miss the semi finals!!! and man, it was an intense night.

second day of school went pretty well i guess. i did A LOT of breathing exersize and kept telling myself that "i am normal" i guess that kinda helps. still getting use to my shoulder bag. i think its really ugly and cheap...i miss te forever21 leather bag!!!

surrender...medication?

school will start exactly one week!!! ><;;;;
im sooo not prepared: bad haircut, no new clothes, crappy messenger bag...etc. but especially the my self esteem and the anxiety disorder!!!
even though i practiced relaxing techniques, i dont think its enough, and i m like desperate for some solution.
medication is the last thing i want to consider, but because school gonna start and i have no other choice. :(
and another thing is... I CANNOT SWALLOW PILLS!!!!
but i was so super relieved when i saw the tiny tiny tablets of the antidepressent.lol
medication was easier to get than i thought (although i think i looked desperate to the phyciatrists* xp)
yea, hope it will work, and i hope i wont have to take it for so long, or worse, get depended on it :[
btw, i forgot the name of the antidepressant. ^^;

this week

alot of things happened and alot of things didnt happen when it should.
i went to a American Idol live concert w/ my cousins!!! that was so awesome, eventhough i did not follow this season's show, it was amazing.
i just got to know the members on the spot (btw, we heard the top 10 contestants!), so from hearing them, i like crystal the best! she looks so funny and nice, and she has a very unique style + voice :D

on Monday, i hanged out with some of my really good friends, ケイシーand ヤスル★
we went bowling, eat froyo, went to icecreamery for expensive fries and went to Ross to try on some high heels for fun.lol.  すっごく　たのしかったよ～＾０＾

then on tuesday, i got my senior protrait previews! some are good but most of them were quite disappointing. lol. i hate how the lighting made me look sooo FAT!!! they formed very visible shadows on my stupid baby fat ><

on Wed. i got my haircut finally after a year!!! i had no idea what kind of style or even length to get, i didnt even print out hair types to show. all i know is i want something very different from all the years, and i want something that will force me to not tie my hair up at school. so maybe something like super short or super layered. lol. anyways, i ended up cutting my hair short, and i kinda like it ^^
the pros: it made me look more asian(korean.lol), more older(according to my siblings, yay!), its lighter, and i dont have to shed so much hair. lol
the cons: it makes my face look rounder ><, and maybe fatter ><;;; and its super hard to contro!!! u might think its the opposit since its short, but if i dont take care of it right, then it will become an AFRO!!!
because my hair is sooo super thick, frizzy, wavy, and dry ;_____;;
to control it, i think i need to buy some leave in conditioner and Gatsby hair rubber. lol

whats really going on

summer is almost ending!!! NOooooo.....
i dont know what to do, im so nervous and stressed out!!! and so scared! i dont know what is going to happen when i go to school again. will it be better than last year? and i really dont want to think about the worse situation that is going to happen in the future.
This year will be my senior yr, my last year in high school, and i dont want to suffer again like last year.

whenever i see people, just regular people, strangers or friends, i get super nervous. i couldnt think straight anymore, and my body just automtatically get tense. worse than those side effects, i get "panic attacks" ><
u know why im like that?? everytime i see hunam beings? because i am suffuring this stupid anxiety disorder. i HATE it, i cant live normally, and i cant function.
i am so afraid of other's actions, thoughts, and feelings. i am scared that i am crazy to them, that i am an alien! im terrified to be near any people.

can you imagine a person with (social) anxiety disorder going to public school everyday?! but i did it last year and it was super overwelming, everyday i get back from school, i would be so exhausted and so stressed about the day that past and what the future will hold. i couldnt concentrate on homework, nor life. i cant concentrate during school, cant really listen to what my teachers lectures, nor do my school work. i dropped out of math and flunk physics, even though im a good student. ><
none of my friends now about this. i cant tell them, or they will think im crazy! the only people i told is my family. but they are not that serious, or they dont understand me at all. :(((
i was so depressed, i didnt know what to do. it was such a disaster last year, i cant really remember anything that happened. i was so worked up to be living in the present.

this year, my senior year cant be the same! it just cant.
iam going to take easier classes and one less class then last year. so i need to survive!!!
"i can do it!!!!" i say that so much, but can i? i want to believe it, but cant help but doubt.
currently reading a book on fighting panic "anxiety" (almost the same thing) disorder, and is practicing relaxing exercises such as breathing, progressive, and visualization. i really hope those strategies will work when i need them. the problem is though, almost everytime i practice, i would dose off and fall asleep ^^'' not good.
and i asked my dad if i can take meds and get CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) i read that it helps, so definately want to try it!!! (actually, im desperate). i asked him for so many weeks for it, but he never signed me up >:((( 

anyways, i need to enjoy my summer as much as possible, before school (hell) starts! only 2 and a half weeks!!! eeeeeEEEkkkkkk!!!! i need to fight hard and do my utmost BEST!!!
FIGHTING!!!

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, My, oh, my, what a wonderful day~♫

my dad used to sing that song everyday to wake us up in China. almost every single day, and it never gets old.
Now, i wake up everyday with graditude, thinking, "wow, what a beautiful day it would be, thank you so much heavenly father, for this wonderful day." :D
it is important to start your day being optimistic and positive, (especially important to me, since i get depressed alot throughout the day) because the happy emotions will stick with you.

...Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,

Wonderful feeling, wonderful day! ♫

why the morning?

to tell you the truth, im not a morning person...but i LOVE mornings<333
why? most people hate it; still sleepy and tired, and a big day ahead of them
sometimes it applies to me too, the dread of going to school and the anxiety that slowly builds up inside me.
but what i love is the cool air, the fresh scent, and the breeze before the sun is up.
i find it very relaxing, just breathing in the air.

one of my fond memories of childhood is the mornings during the summer. Everyday i would wake up at 6:30 am, go outside the balcony, and just enjoy the breeze and listen to the birds. lol

i would get a sense of hope for the day.
believing that everyday is a new beginning, new experiences, and a new start.