whats really going on

summer is almost ending!!! NOooooo.....
i dont know what to do, im so nervous and stressed out!!! and so scared! i dont know what is going to happen when i go to school again. will it be better than last year? and i really dont want to think about the worse situation that is going to happen in the future.
This year will be my senior yr, my last year in high school, and i dont want to suffer again like last year.

whenever i see people, just regular people, strangers or friends, i get super nervous. i couldnt think straight anymore, and my body just automtatically get tense. worse than those side effects, i get "panic attacks" ><
u know why im like that?? everytime i see hunam beings? because i am suffuring this stupid anxiety disorder. i HATE it, i cant live normally, and i cant function.
i am so afraid of other's actions, thoughts, and feelings. i am scared that i am crazy to them, that i am an alien! im terrified to be near any people.

can you imagine a person with (social) anxiety disorder going to public school everyday?! but i did it last year and it was super overwelming, everyday i get back from school, i would be so exhausted and so stressed about the day that past and what the future will hold. i couldnt concentrate on homework, nor life. i cant concentrate during school, cant really listen to what my teachers lectures, nor do my school work. i dropped out of math and flunk physics, even though im a good student. ><
none of my friends now about this. i cant tell them, or they will think im crazy! the only people i told is my family. but they are not that serious, or they dont understand me at all. :(((
i was so depressed, i didnt know what to do. it was such a disaster last year, i cant really remember anything that happened. i was so worked up to be living in the present.

this year, my senior year cant be the same! it just cant.
iam going to take easier classes and one less class then last year. so i need to survive!!!
"i can do it!!!!" i say that so much, but can i? i want to believe it, but cant help but doubt.
currently reading a book on fighting panic "anxiety" (almost the same thing) disorder, and is practicing relaxing exercises such as breathing, progressive, and visualization. i really hope those strategies will work when i need them. the problem is though, almost everytime i practice, i would dose off and fall asleep ^^'' not good.
and i asked my dad if i can take meds and get CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) i read that it helps, so definately want to try it!!! (actually, im desperate). i asked him for so many weeks for it, but he never signed me up >:((( 

anyways, i need to enjoy my summer as much as possible, before school (hell) starts! only 2 and a half weeks!!! eeeeeEEEkkkkkk!!!! i need to fight hard and do my utmost BEST!!!
FIGHTING!!!