school will start exactly one week!!! ><;;;;
im sooo not prepared: bad haircut, no new clothes, crappy messenger bag...etc. but especially the my self esteem and the anxiety disorder!!!
even though i practiced relaxing techniques, i dont think its enough, and i m like desperate for some solution.
medication is the last thing i want to consider, but because school gonna start and i have no other choice. :(
and another thing is... I CANNOT SWALLOW PILLS!!!!
but i was so super relieved when i saw the tiny tiny tablets of the antidepressent.lol
medication was easier to get than i thought (although i think i looked desperate to the phyciatrists* xp)
yea, hope it will work, and i hope i wont have to take it for so long, or worse, get depended on it :[
btw, i forgot the name of the antidepressant. ^^;
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
this week
alot of things happened and alot of things didnt happen when it should.
i went to a American Idol live concert w/ my cousins!!! that was so awesome, eventhough i did not follow this season's show, it was amazing.
i just got to know the members on the spot (btw, we heard the top 10 contestants!), so from hearing them, i like crystal the best! she looks so funny and nice, and she has a very unique style + voice :D
on Monday, i hanged out with some of my really good friends, ケイシーand ヤスル★
we went bowling, eat froyo, went to icecreamery for expensive fries and went to Ross to try on some high heels for fun.lol. すっごく たのしかったよ～＾０＾
then on tuesday, i got my senior protrait previews! some are good but most of them were quite disappointing. lol. i hate how the lighting made me look sooo FAT!!! they formed very visible shadows on my stupid baby fat ><
on Wed. i got my haircut finally after a year!!! i had no idea what kind of style or even length to get, i didnt even print out hair types to show. all i know is i want something very different from all the years, and i want something that will force me to not tie my hair up at school. so maybe something like super short or super layered. lol. anyways, i ended up cutting my hair short, and i kinda like it ^^
the pros: it made me look more asian(korean.lol), more older(according to my siblings, yay!), its lighter, and i dont have to shed so much hair. lol
the cons: it makes my face look rounder ><, and maybe fatter ><;;; and its super hard to contro!!! u might think its the opposit since its short, but if i dont take care of it right, then it will become an AFRO!!!
because my hair is sooo super thick, frizzy, wavy, and dry ;_____;;
to control it, i think i need to buy some leave in conditioner and Gatsby hair rubber. lol
i went to a American Idol live concert w/ my cousins!!! that was so awesome, eventhough i did not follow this season's show, it was amazing.
i just got to know the members on the spot (btw, we heard the top 10 contestants!), so from hearing them, i like crystal the best! she looks so funny and nice, and she has a very unique style + voice :D
on Monday, i hanged out with some of my really good friends, ケイシーand ヤスル★
we went bowling, eat froyo, went to icecreamery for expensive fries and went to Ross to try on some high heels for fun.lol. すっごく たのしかったよ～＾０＾
then on tuesday, i got my senior protrait previews! some are good but most of them were quite disappointing. lol. i hate how the lighting made me look sooo FAT!!! they formed very visible shadows on my stupid baby fat ><
on Wed. i got my haircut finally after a year!!! i had no idea what kind of style or even length to get, i didnt even print out hair types to show. all i know is i want something very different from all the years, and i want something that will force me to not tie my hair up at school. so maybe something like super short or super layered. lol. anyways, i ended up cutting my hair short, and i kinda like it ^^
the pros: it made me look more asian(korean.lol), more older(according to my siblings, yay!), its lighter, and i dont have to shed so much hair. lol
the cons: it makes my face look rounder ><, and maybe fatter ><;;; and its super hard to contro!!! u might think its the opposit since its short, but if i dont take care of it right, then it will become an AFRO!!!
because my hair is sooo super thick, frizzy, wavy, and dry ;_____;;
to control it, i think i need to buy some leave in conditioner and Gatsby hair rubber. lol
Friday, August 13, 2010
whats really going on
summer is almost ending!!! NOooooo.....
i dont know what to do, im so nervous and stressed out!!! and so scared! i dont know what is going to happen when i go to school again. will it be better than last year? and i really dont want to think about the worse situation that is going to happen in the future.
This year will be my senior yr, my last year in high school, and i dont want to suffer again like last year.
whenever i see people, just regular people, strangers or friends, i get super nervous. i couldnt think straight anymore, and my body just automtatically get tense. worse than those side effects, i get "panic attacks" ><
u know why im like that?? everytime i see hunam beings? because i am suffuring this stupid anxiety disorder. i HATE it, i cant live normally, and i cant function.
i am so afraid of other's actions, thoughts, and feelings. i am scared that i am crazy to them, that i am an alien! im terrified to be near any people.
can you imagine a person with (social) anxiety disorder going to public school everyday?! but i did it last year and it was super overwelming, everyday i get back from school, i would be so exhausted and so stressed about the day that past and what the future will hold. i couldnt concentrate on homework, nor life. i cant concentrate during school, cant really listen to what my teachers lectures, nor do my school work. i dropped out of math and flunk physics, even though im a good student. ><
none of my friends now about this. i cant tell them, or they will think im crazy! the only people i told is my family. but they are not that serious, or they dont understand me at all. :(((
i was so depressed, i didnt know what to do. it was such a disaster last year, i cant really remember anything that happened. i was so worked up to be living in the present.
this year, my senior year cant be the same! it just cant.
iam going to take easier classes and one less class then last year. so i need to survive!!!
"i can do it!!!!" i say that so much, but can i? i want to believe it, but cant help but doubt.
currently reading a book on fighting panic "anxiety" (almost the same thing) disorder, and is practicing relaxing exercises such as breathing, progressive, and visualization. i really hope those strategies will work when i need them. the problem is though, almost everytime i practice, i would dose off and fall asleep ^^'' not good.
and i asked my dad if i can take meds and get CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) i read that it helps, so definately want to try it!!! (actually, im desperate). i asked him for so many weeks for it, but he never signed me up >:(((
anyways, i need to enjoy my summer as much as possible, before school (hell) starts! only 2 and a half weeks!!! eeeeeEEEkkkkkk!!!! i need to fight hard and do my utmost BEST!!!
FIGHTING!!!
i dont know what to do, im so nervous and stressed out!!! and so scared! i dont know what is going to happen when i go to school again. will it be better than last year? and i really dont want to think about the worse situation that is going to happen in the future.
This year will be my senior yr, my last year in high school, and i dont want to suffer again like last year.
whenever i see people, just regular people, strangers or friends, i get super nervous. i couldnt think straight anymore, and my body just automtatically get tense. worse than those side effects, i get "panic attacks" ><
u know why im like that?? everytime i see hunam beings? because i am suffuring this stupid anxiety disorder. i HATE it, i cant live normally, and i cant function.
i am so afraid of other's actions, thoughts, and feelings. i am scared that i am crazy to them, that i am an alien! im terrified to be near any people.
can you imagine a person with (social) anxiety disorder going to public school everyday?! but i did it last year and it was super overwelming, everyday i get back from school, i would be so exhausted and so stressed about the day that past and what the future will hold. i couldnt concentrate on homework, nor life. i cant concentrate during school, cant really listen to what my teachers lectures, nor do my school work. i dropped out of math and flunk physics, even though im a good student. ><
none of my friends now about this. i cant tell them, or they will think im crazy! the only people i told is my family. but they are not that serious, or they dont understand me at all. :(((
i was so depressed, i didnt know what to do. it was such a disaster last year, i cant really remember anything that happened. i was so worked up to be living in the present.
this year, my senior year cant be the same! it just cant.
iam going to take easier classes and one less class then last year. so i need to survive!!!
"i can do it!!!!" i say that so much, but can i? i want to believe it, but cant help but doubt.
currently reading a book on fighting panic "anxiety" (almost the same thing) disorder, and is practicing relaxing exercises such as breathing, progressive, and visualization. i really hope those strategies will work when i need them. the problem is though, almost everytime i practice, i would dose off and fall asleep ^^'' not good.
and i asked my dad if i can take meds and get CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) i read that it helps, so definately want to try it!!! (actually, im desperate). i asked him for so many weeks for it, but he never signed me up >:(((
anyways, i need to enjoy my summer as much as possible, before school (hell) starts! only 2 and a half weeks!!! eeeeeEEEkkkkkk!!!! i need to fight hard and do my utmost BEST!!!
FIGHTING!!!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, My, oh, my, what a wonderful day~♫
my dad used to sing that song everyday to wake us up in China. almost every single day, and it never gets old.
Now, i wake up everyday with graditude, thinking, "wow, what a beautiful day it would be, thank you so much heavenly father, for this wonderful day." :D
it is important to start your day being optimistic and positive, (especially important to me, since i get depressed alot throughout the day) because the happy emotions will stick with you.
...Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,
Wonderful feeling, wonderful day! ♫
Now, i wake up everyday with graditude, thinking, "wow, what a beautiful day it would be, thank you so much heavenly father, for this wonderful day." :D
it is important to start your day being optimistic and positive, (especially important to me, since i get depressed alot throughout the day) because the happy emotions will stick with you.
...Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,
Wonderful feeling, wonderful day! ♫
Sunday, August 8, 2010
why the morning?
to tell you the truth, im not a morning person...but i LOVE mornings<333
why? most people hate it; still sleepy and tired, and a big day ahead of them
sometimes it applies to me too, the dread of going to school and the anxiety that slowly builds up inside me.
but what i love is the cool air, the fresh scent, and the breeze before the sun is up.
i find it very relaxing, just breathing in the air.
one of my fond memories of childhood is the mornings during the summer. Everyday i would wake up at 6:30 am, go outside the balcony, and just enjoy the breeze and listen to the birds. lol
i would get a sense of hope for the day.
believing that everyday is a new beginning, new experiences, and a new start.
why? most people hate it; still sleepy and tired, and a big day ahead of them
sometimes it applies to me too, the dread of going to school and the anxiety that slowly builds up inside me.
but what i love is the cool air, the fresh scent, and the breeze before the sun is up.
i find it very relaxing, just breathing in the air.
one of my fond memories of childhood is the mornings during the summer. Everyday i would wake up at 6:30 am, go outside the balcony, and just enjoy the breeze and listen to the birds. lol
i would get a sense of hope for the day.
believing that everyday is a new beginning, new experiences, and a new start.
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